Staying True to Yourself

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I was scrolling through yet another slew of pictures of eligible bachelors on my last dating site, when a shy smile and a pair of beautiful almond eyes greeted me. There was goodness written all over them. I melted.

Three years ago, I met the man of my life. What a connection! On every level: intellectually-stimulating, physically-yum, spiritually-well balanced. When we came together you could literally see the sparks flying for blocks. No kidding. We got comments from waiters, store owners and people on the street about the vibes they could feel emanating from us. Being together was bliss. Just knowing he was in my life was bliss. It became pretty evident that we were one of those matches made in heaven, and I was ready to walk into the sunset on the beach with him.

Not so fast, Speedy G!

You see, as I began to suddenly and utterly place all my attention on this man, he was doing a balancing act between me and his teenage daughter, to whom he’s totally devoted.

At the time he had, what seemed to me at least, a very unusual parenting situation. For the sake of the child, him and his ex had decided that they would continue with a semblance of a marriage – he moved three miles away from them, and was at was at their beck and call at all times. This was a triangle that he had created to which I was not allowed entrance. And I wanted entrance! I wanted to be part of the drama, and there was plenty of it. Just like with my last ex, I wanted to “help” heal everybody’s wounds. Heck, I can’t even do CPR! I also wanted to be recognized for who I had become in his life. Everyone else knew, but those two ladies.

He had his good reasons for keeping the status quo, but they don’t really matter because this story is not about him. It’s about me.

“Wait!”, you’re probably thinking. It sure is about him! Yes, his situation was a bit unusual, but what’s really important to understand is that people are in our lives as mirrors reflecting back our own beliefs, feelings and behaviors, both the stuff we love, and the stuff we don’t, or may not want to own up to or may not even be aware of.

After a while what my reflection was showing me was that I had become needy, insecure and was harboring feelings of rejection. He didn’t cause those feelings. Those were my feelings. He was just there to stir them up for me so that I could recognize them and resolve them. Thanks to him, I’m now very aware of where they stem from and have been working on healing, or as I call it, shedding the handy-me-downs, the layers of clothing that we start to pile on from an early age as reactions to labels and other people’s behaviors. 

In hindsight, had I not had those feelings, I would have just focused on me. I have plenty of interests to keep me engaged for lifetimes, plenty of things to keep me busy, plenty of friends to play with. I mean, don’t get me wrong – while dating him I still led my life and did my thing, but my mind was always with him. I was not in the moment. Everywhere I went, I wished for him to be with me. I look back on that now and chuckle because I know that so many of the things that I was doing I truly enjoyed doing with friends, family or by myself. That he didn’t need to be there! Yet it felt like the moment wasn’t perfect unless he was.

I remember telling him that what I loved most about our relationship was that I could be myself with him. Until I wasn’t. After several of our intermittent breakups, I became this person who wanted to hear that she was loved and admired, when I knew very well that that was the case. I remember us driving back from our last date and, as if from above, listening to myself utter something like “I just need to know you care” and thinking at that moment, “Is this really you, Rossy?” I didn’t recognize myself. I consider myself a very self-sufficient person, always have. Needy is just not an adjective I identify with.

We’re no longer together, as you may have surmised, and the why is simple: we both had to tend to what was most important for each of us. For him, it’s being the best dad he can be. For me, it’s being the best version of myself I can be. That’s a never-ending process and it starts with self-awareness, the type of awareness that only comes from tapping into your peaceful, joyful, loving self through meditation. 

I keep thinking our story hasn’t ended; that it’s a matter of time. That we will connect again and then walk off together into the sunset on the beach. But even if that doesn’t happen, I now know that no matter how grand a connection and a love are, there’s no greater connection and love than the one within myself.

Also, having found my sense of purpose since we parted ways, I KNOW for a fact that I’ll never again be more focused on another human being than on me and the work I’m doing.

If that sounds selfish, that’s the aspiration. Because you can’t give what you don’t have. If you’re not “full of yourself”, literally full of love, self-worth and self-compassion, you can’t give unconditional love, support and compassion to another. Not unconditionally. Not without expecting something in return, on some level, conscious or unconscious. Not really. Not ever.

And that’s what I aspire to do. What about you?